The Link between Comedy and Misery

The Link between Comedy and Misery

People have discussed how these two concepts are related for many years. Really it’s simple. Both are six letter words, containing two vowels and end in the letter y. Simple, why has no one seen this before? The deeper connection? Okay fine.

 

Which is more relevant. Misery without a doubt. Without misery, comedy cannot exist. What would we laugh at without the polar opposite in existence? Misery can live by itself however. Animals can feel misery, I find it hard to believe they enjoy comedy. Some people don’t laugh very much. These people are often labelled as miserable. What if something tragic happens to you? Without comedy does the impact of this tragedy lessen? Absolutely not.

 

The situation comedy has become incredibly popular over the last couple decades. People use them as an easy watch when they just want to relax. It’s not stressful, they are an easy laugh. Sitcoms are basically just following the lives of normal people. Life is unjust, it dishes up a lot of misery for people to attempt to overcome.

 

Officially the world’s most popular sitcom is The Big Bang Theory. I don’t watch the Big Bang Theory outside of a few glimpse so there’s not a lot I can say. From what I can gather however it deals with some typical nerdy/ lonely stereotypes as they’re rejected and ignored by women and society. This is a miserable situation for a lot of people. I could be wrong however so let’s look at the next 2 most popular sitcoms, Two and a Half Men and Mr. Bean.

 

Fortunately I have more experience with these two. Two and a Half Men at first follows a man named Charlie who lives a womanizing life style. He drinks heavily, is implied to take drugs and had many temporary sexual encounters. We also know he pushes any women away who he actually cares about, has an awful relationship with his mother and is fully aware his lifestyle will bring him an early grave. Oh dear. The other main character is his brother Alan. Alan is perceived as a bit strange, he was divorced and lives in his brother’s house, he has no money, is rejected by pretty much everyone he meets and his family, his brother and mother treat him like an outcast. Again, oh dear. People actually living like these two would surely be living with some kind of mental illness such as Depression. But we laugh. The show makes a lot of jokes and is also very crude. We don’t just laugh at how miserable these characters are but we also laugh at the jokes made at the expense of their misery. Why do we find this funny?

 

Mr. Bean is perhaps not quite as good an example. It’s an excellent example of a fish out of water story, although it is worth mentioning how alone this character is. His only real friend is a Teddy Bear. His strange actions isolate him from most social interaction. Anyone actually living this alone id imagine would be a pretty miserable human being. There is his girlfriend of course but if anything she is even worse, feeling unloved by Bean. It’s funny. All this misery is funny.

 

I myself am often referred to as having a sarcastic and dry sense of humour. How do I do it? I react off the situation. People don’t realise that sarcasm isn’t just random, it’s all about timing. Dry humour will often make the person making the joke seem above the recipient, like they’re more sophisticated and intelligent. Sarcasm is similar although instead of putting one person up it puts another down. That’s not saying dry or sarcastic people are cruel people but it’s a proven form of humour. Many can see it as a joke but many others will be heavily offended. Is this not using someone’s flaws or misery as a joke?

 

Another popular type of comedy, particularly with Children is slapstick comedy. We’ve all seen it, in cartoon and live action form. I grew up watching Tom and Jerry, perhaps the masters of slapstick. Unlike other cartoons this didn’t have witty dialogue to complete the joke. It is imply about the situation. It’s incredibly well done to keep us laughing with little to no dialogue but it’s also quite awful to think about what happens to the antagonist Tom. We laugh over and over at his pain and failure. It’s easy to think he deserves it but in some episodes he is actually being forced to capture Jerry. I remember now where if he feels he will get beheaded but that doesn’t stop it all being funny.

 

Sure Top is arrogant but so is Jerry. Tom was still likeable, many liked him more than Jerry and for good reason. Jerry was at times a sadistic little mouse. On top of everything else Tom was a cat chasing a mouse, it wasn’t like that’s anything unnatural. But his pain and misery has kept people laughing for years. It doesn’t seem to add up.

 

Death can be funny too. Remember in the Dark Knight when the Joker slams a pencil into that thugs face. That was gruesome and yet I laughed at loud and this psychopaths method of murder. The Winhelm scream has been used in over 300 films, its purpose to add the comedy of a death. Death isn’t funny, especially not when it involves killing. A saw a YouTube video once that showed a clip of a man shooting himself in the head. It was awful. But some slightly different circumstances can make us laugh?

 

Comedy and misery are two sides of the same coin. Misery is something every person will have to endure during their life. Therefore people need ways of dealing with their misery. I once spoke to a counsellor who said that the best way to deal with misery is to distract yourself from it. What better distraction is there than comedy? Comedy makes us think about things in a completely different way. What better way is there to feel less misery than to enjoy more comedy? Perhaps comedy was a creation developed to cope with misery. Or maybe an early human laughed when a caveman hit his head on a rock. Earlier I said that people will deem people who don’t laugh much as miserable. This is partly true but there is more to it than that. There’s a common misconception that people don’t laugh because they are miserable. Maybe instead it’s that people are miserable because they don’t, or maybe even can’t laugh.

Shadow of the Colossus - The Epitome of Epic

Shadow of the Colossus - The Epitome of Epic

There are a lot of games in the world. Some and good, some are bad, but a small number will really stick with you. Leave a lasting impact. This is one of them. Shadow of the Colossus is a masterpiece, one I would tell anyone to experience for themselves.

 

It seems strange at first how many sing the praises of this games story since at first glance it barley even has one. But the more you play the more begins to unravel. You start by taking a dead girl to a big tower where a voice in the sky called Dormin tells you he will bring the girl back to life if you take down the 16 colossi across the land. It seems pretty superficial, the typical save the damsel plot. Sure about three quarters of the way through you get a cut scene of some cloaked people on horseback riding towards the tower but so what?  But then you realise how much you don’t know that you’re left to piece together. Who is your character and how does he have this magic sword that can point you in the direction of Colossi. Where do you come from, how did you find this place?

 

Then you start wondering about the land you find yourself in. It is simply called the forbidden land and while it is vast, covered in different environments and contains what looks like the ruins of a great civilisation, the land is barren. All that resides here are a few lizards, birds, fish and the 16 colossus. The forbidden land is a beautiful setting, but simultaneously sad. You can feel it has a sad History but you’ll never know what it was. The eerie silence as you travel across the empty world, with only your horse by your side is a compelling experience by itself, not in many games can you say the traveling with no combat is a compelling event.

 

The details and secrets this place holds are astonishing. Every time you defeat a colossus you gain more grip for your grip meter. The more grip, the longer you can climb and hold onto things for. If you climb the starting tower you find a garden. Eat the apple and your grip will be reduced to the starting level. Why is this here only the creators know. It makes me thing about how they know things the players never will. The other way to increase your grip is to eat the tails of lizards but only the ones with white tails. Not that the game ever tells you this or even that lizards can lose their tails in the first place. Details like this that the game creators wanted you to figure out are what puts this game up another level.

 

Speaking of Sad this brings us to the Colossi themselves. They remain completely still until you show up. Even then a lot of them won’t attack you, some don’t even attack you at all. You first encounter these mighty beasts and you think to yourself about how on earth you can defeat them. Even the smaller ones who you would think aren’t as intimidating will attack far more aggressively and strike fear into you. You may see a flying colossus and wonder how you can possibly ground that thing. The final one takes things to a whole other level where you can choose to go left or right. Go left and it will kill you without giving you the chance to do anything.

 

The atmosphere of that final fight is magnificent. You have a tragic event beforehand. You have to climb upwards and you reach the top to be greeted by a heavy thunder storm. Then you see it, a giant creature in front of you. It confronts you with attacks far more powerful than anything you’ve witnessed before. Then you have to climb it, it goes on and on, you think you’ll never reach its head. You have to figure out how to get past the barriers on its arms. It feels like the end of a journey against a God like creature, far more powerful than you could ever hope to be.

 

This is just one Colossi. Each one is unique and awe inspiring. My personal favourite is the thirteenth, play the game and you’ll see why. The game even changes the music to mirror the emotions you feel as you take on a Colossus. These battles are truly epic … until you take them down. You then realise you’ve just killed this … thing, a peaceful creature that wasn’t causing harm to anything. You find them motionless, it’s like they’ve been asleep for hundreds if not thousands of years. They have become part of the landscape and you killed them for a girl whose identity you don’t even know. You then get to watch these magnificent creatures fall to the earth. Black tentacles then reach out of them and penetrate you, knocking you out. You wake up back in the starting tower.

 

As you progress through the Colossi, you character starts looking more and more damaged by whatever the back tentacles are. His skin starts to change to a more greyish colour, he looks weaker and weaker but will not give up on this girl.  I will not spoil the ending but after you kill the final colossus, the protagonist is barely recognisable. The ending, while very confusing kept me thinking for days afterwards.

 

Let’s talk gameplay. Tense, thrilling and exciting are the three words that come to mind. The Colossi are like giant, deadly puzzles. Overpowering these creatures with fighting skills is impossible, not just because they are so gigantic but because your character is clearly unskilled with a sword. When he swings the sword or even just carries it around it looks too heavy for him. He’s good with a bow but that’s not going to take down a Colossus. Even his horse seems too powerful for him. You don’t control the horse, you still control the character on the horse. You can command him but he won’t always respond. The grip meter adds an extra layer of tension as you try to stand on the beast to replenish your grip. It is truly compelling gameplay.

 

People have compared Shadow of the Colossus to art. Apparently art is something with no purpose. Shadow of the Colossus had a purpose. It is an incredible experience that will really stick with you. Maybe it’s not art, but it’s still fantastic and the best game I have ever played, one I’d recommend to all.

Top 5 Games that should be made

Top 5 Games that should be made

Every year many new games are released for the public to buy. Unfortunately the market becomes saturated with the same games. Gamers often speak of innovation and these are the games that I think would be great to see.

 

5. A Pokémon game with every region

Pokémon games come out every year and they’re always great. Every game feels like a grand adventure and what better way than to improve on a grand adventure than to have the player explore every region. People loved HeartGold and Soulsilver and one of the reasons was because you were able to explore multiple regions.

 

The biggest issue many have with Pokémon is how easy it is. With six different regions by the time you were at the sixth region you could be fighting incredibly high level opponents. We’d no longer have a relatively easy stroll across the land before waltzing through the elite four. The opponents could be strong and powerful.

 

Another issue people have is ‘catching them all’. The only way to get certain Pokémon is through special events. No one wants to have to go to a nearby game store just for one legendary Pokémon. Making every Pokémon available in game would make completing the Pokédex an actual realistic possibility for the average player.

 

What else would I like to see? Personally I’d like to see the feature from HeartGold and SoulSilver when you can see your Pokémon following you around. It’s not a crucial feature that has a huge effect on gameplay but it was an enjoyable feature. Another thing I’d like to see is a more mature pot. I get that Pokémon is aimed at kids but it’d be great for a Pokémon game to have a plot that people of all ages can enjoy. Also I’d like to customizable trainers return. This was a good feature in X and Y as it made your character feel more personal.

 

While slightly personal something I’d like to see is some more insight into the backstory of the Pokémon world. A lot of people, myself included have theorised about this world and it would be great to see some actual insight into the backstory. There are so many hints and secrets scattered around the world and it would be amazing to understand what some of these things mean.

 

Perhaps not the most creative thing I’ve come up with but still something I’d love to see. It’s not likely we’ll see this game admittedly but if it was ever announced I would definitely buy it.

 

4. Growing up animal

When I was younger a friend and I discovered a game on the internet where you played as a growing up Allosaurus called Al. It was similar to a board game, you moved across different squares of the map and hunting and fighting was based off numbers. This was a great idea, you could really feel your progression as you could hunt different animal as you got bigger and travel to new places.

 

I always imagined how much fun this would be if the game wasn’t stupidly hard and if instead of a turn based style gameplay, you actually played as the Allosaurus. It wouldn’t just be a typical open world game where the open world has no real purpose since you just have missions to complete. Here we could have a game with a completely unscripted experience, where everyone would have a different story to tell after playing.

 

The game would be unpredictable since life is unpredictable. I think it would be better to avoid missions completely and the aim of the game should be survival. One big survival mode would make the game extremely tense, especially when your creature is young and weak but especially rewarding when becoming the top creature in the surrounding territory.

 

Earlier I mentioned the dinosaur Allosaurus. This game would be perfect for a dinosaur and on top of this there are a very small number of games involving dinosaurs. It would be exciting to explore a prehistoric world through the eyes of a dinosaur. However the game could work in the modern day too. There are many wondrous settings and creatures in the modern day and including Human Beings in the over world would be an interesting dynamic.

 

This is a very unlikely game to be created but to me it sounds great. Who wouldn’t want to feel the experience of controlling a fantastic creature through its epic struggle being its own life? We all like adventure and this sounds like a great adventure to me.

 

3. The Police Officer Game

There are so many games where we play as criminals. While games like Grand Theft Auto are incredibly popular something recently occurred to me. I don’t like crime. Sure it’s fun to play but we don’t get many opportunities to take down these criminals, especially from inside the law.

 

There are such a small number of games to play as the Police. I’ve always been someone who enjoyed being the Hero in games. I will often take the good choice in moral choices for the personal gratification as oppose to mindless villainy.

 

This I imagine would not be difficult to make. Side missions could be stopping random crimes. You could be arresting criminals and see the impact on the city as crime decreased. That’s an issue with many sandbox games, there is very little impact on the surrounding world from your actions.

 

For a setting I’d like something a little different. A large world with both city and more rural environment would be good as staying in a city can get zany. It would also give you the chance to take car journeys to quickly arrive to a crime scene. I’m English so I’d like to see an English city. Somewhere such as London would be an interesting change.

 

A good thing about playing as a police officer could be that you would need to solve crimes rather than just fight villains. It would add a puzzle aspect to the game as well requiring you to use your brain. On top of this putting a criminal away would be far more satisfying if you had to discover their whereabouts first.

 

In video games the Police are often seen as uncool compared to those badass criminals. This would be a great way to change that as well as producing a super fun game.

 

2. The Super - Villain Game

Okay so discount everything I just said. Screw the law, let’s play as a comic book style villain. I would really like a game where you play as a villain. However it wouldn’t just be like a GTA. This would be like a villain from a Saturday morning cartoon.

 

This game could have something very few games do. Comedy. Playing as a cartoon villain could lead to hilarious consequences. For a main storyline you could do something ridiculous like create a doomsday device, perhaps a giant laser from space to hold a city to ransom where you could use weapons to make it that you could use far easily to achieve your plan. The game would be over the top and if nothing else fun.

 

We get a lot of gritty story arcs, this would be a good change of pace. The game could be a satire of the super hero genre, you could take on a super hero trying to foil your evil plan. I think a cartoony art style would be the best visual style for a game like this. The idea is to not take it too seriously, a realistic graphics engine would not fit the style at all.

 

The gameplay could use an array of crazy gadgets to use in combat. Normal guns are boring when compared to lasers and shrink. I’d also like to be able to release hounds to attack the enemies. While this would not be the most complex gameplay it would certainly be enjoyable. Even better would be to be able to create your own gadgets for battle. You could find parts scattered across the world and upgrade them as you level up. This would make levelling up rewarding as it would have in game bonuses.

 

This game would simply be fun. If someone could write some funny lines this could be a light-hearted romp through a colourful world full of ridiculous characters.

 

1. Robot Wars

There are console Robot Wars games. Unfortunately they’re not particularly good. They’re okay and they have their merits they never feel like you’re actually fighting a Robot Wars battle. These game decided that the laws of physics weren’t particularly important. Robots fly all over the place and weapons will just bounce off the Robots. Worst is seeing powerful Robots such as Hypno Disc and seeing its savage fly wheel weapon cause no physical damage ridiculous.

 

The problem with these games honestly is that they were simple cash grabs. With a bit of care and effort I think this could be a sensational game. Building your own robots was not good. The designs in the show were creative and fun and in the games you had block with axes sticking out of them. It would be amazing to be able to construct creative designs, not just set shapes. Creating Robots to battle is probably the biggest draw to playing a Robot Wars game and being free to customize as you please would be a huge improvement.

 

As I stated earlier, an improvement to the physics engine is a must. In the Old games he Robots did not play like heavy machines at all. It was like they were made of cardboard as they appeared to have no weight at all. It was a similar story with weapons. Powerful weapons would hit the opponent but it never felt like they were connecting. Crushing weapons should actually crush things, discs should either cuts or spin off the Robots armour. Armour shouldn’t randomly fall off, it should be damaged accordingly to what was attacking it.

 

While an issue in many games, the commentating was awful. Obviously the lines will be repeated but Johnathan Pearce’s commentary was simply annoying. His commentary on the show was great, so it was very disappointing to hear about five uninspired lines repeated over and over again. Sports games have improved commentaries and I see no reason why a Robot wars game couldn’t too.

 

Another improvement could be time in the pits. Rather than just automatically repairing your Robot there could be different mini games, perhaps using the damage cam from the show. This would add another layer of authenticity to the game. To add to this authenticity, the Robot wars arena needs to be the same as it was in the show. However it would also be good to have a wide variety of arenas with different challenge and obstacles to overcome.

 

Let’s face it, the people who would buy this game would be fans of the television show. It is unlikely we will ever see a good Robot Wars game but if we don it needs to be made for than fans, not a general audience. Perhaps then everyone can experience the thrill and excitement of battling in Robot Wars.

Comparing People to their Facebook Posts

Comparing People to their Facebook Posts

Typical Facebook conversation?

It is incredibly likely that every single one of you reading this uses Facebook. You’ll struggle to ever find someone who hasn’t at least heard of the website. You would think something so popular would be something that makes us all feel good …

 

What kind of things do people post on their Facebook walls? I went through my Facebook news feed to find out. I went through pages of posts and only really found 4 different types of posts. They were as follows:

1.       Complaining about something/ Talking about how sad you are

2.       Advertising Something

3.       Showing Off/ Telling everyone about how great everything is

4.       Something ‘Funny’

I’m going to discount point 2 as advertising something is not really relevant. Someone wanting to sell something does not reflect on them or their personality. Instead I’ll start with point 4.

 

This is something I do quite frequently. It seems obvious really, say something funny. We attempt to say funny things all the time in conversation. However that is with the intention of making people around us laugh. Posting something on a Facebook wall doesn’t give you the satisfaction of seeing the people around you laugh. So why do we do it?

 

Point 3 is something no one would admit to doing, but admittedly not just on Facebook. The difference here is people tend to show off more frequently on Facebook and without the subtlety we use in real life. Strange considering the people we brag to on Facebook we will probably not actually speak to.

 

Point 1 is something everyone is familiar with. We all talk about how pathetic it is or how they should talk to some people instead. There’s something here none of us are considering.

 

I mentioned earlier that Facebook doesn’t always make us feel good. Facebook is like a social comparison. Take someone with low mood. They could log onto Facebook and scour their news feed. It’s highly likely seeing people talk about how happy they are and how great everything is going for them will lower your own self esteem. It’s not that you wish anything bad upon them, it’s that you wish well upon yourself. You’re comparing yourself to them. In a low mood you don’t think that all these people are posting are the good moments. But instead you compare your own bad time to this small glimpse of them, despite the fact that they could easily be in a similar place to you.

 

Facebook is one of the worst places to go in a low mood. The best way of describing this I found was someone calling Facebook: a place to indulge in self destructive behaviour. It’s easily done. It doesn’t take a lot to make you feel worse. But there’s more to it than that. There is an addictive quality that needs to be mentioned. I knew someone once who couldn’t stop themselves checking the updates of an ex. What were they hoping to see? The chances are it’d just be a random piece of good news from the day, something to make the person I knew feel worse. Were they hoping to see their ex feeling sad? They weren’t that kind of person, no matter how bitter they felt at the time. So why did they keep checking?

 

This is not a rare occurrence and not just with exes. In fact experts in psychology have discovered that social media attracts lonely people looking for companionship. Why is this? Let’s face it, it’s a lot easier to post on Facebook than actually talk to people, especially for people with low self-esteem. For some of us talking to people isn’t easy, especially about things that are troubling us. Posting on Facebook and using messages isn’t like talking to another person. It’s easier sure but often the person will need an actual person to talk to, not just a computer screen.

 

So why do people feel the need to talk about how great everything is? I will refer you all to a concept called impression management. This is the process through which people attempt to influence others perception of their image. Does this seem familiar? It should, social media is saturated with impression management. We live in a society where it is considered more desirable to be an extrovert. There’s a lot more to this than simply introvert and extrovert, however that’s a post for another day. Facebook gives a very good opportunity for people to exhibit their extrovert traits. Whether it’s posting photos of a night out or talking about your great day then you are using your positive experience to convince both everyone else and yourself how well rounded and happy as a person you are, free of your insecurities. Maybe this is true but you’re not gaining anything from telling everyone about it.

 

Or do you? There’s a concept known as social snacking. Just like snacking temporarily and briefly reduces hunger social snaking, briefly reduces loneliness. It should be noted that the people who mostly react with our posts are people who we interact with regularly, who probably know everything we said in our post. So we’re just trying to show off a certain part of yourself … sounds a lot like that impression management thing. There’s more though. People with more friends on Facebook are more likely to damage their own self esteem more. But why? Most the friends we have on Facebook aren’t really friends at all, more like acquaintances. I talk to about 5 people on Facebook regularly. I have 169 friends (Used to be 170 but someone blocked me, but I have no idea who). That is under 3% of my Facebook friends. Of these 5 people only 2 do I actually meet up with in person regularly. Yet I don’t care about adding new people. People who do according to recent studies are looking for more people to reach out to. For the small buzz when someone adds you. It’s just more social snacking.

 

There’s something else about people who post regularly though. I found a very interesting study from the University of Berlin. People who update regularly will feel lees lonely for updating, regardless of the number of likes and comments. This seems to make little sense. However people crafting a post can make them feel more connected as people posting will often have a target audience in mind. I can certainly think of times thinking of the people I’d want to see my post and I bet everyone reading this can remember something similar. This is another example of social snacking.  It’s about feeling socially connected to people, which makes the actual level of response seem irrelevant. 

 

So what does all this mean? It means we don’t see what a person is really like through Facebook or any social networking site. Only the very best, or the very worst will come across. Ever wondered why it is far easier to hate someone’s online persona than the real person? The same applies in opposite, it can feel easier to become attached to people online.

 

What is the solution? Personally I’d advise reading my blog instead of checking Facebook. My blog won’t hurt your self-esteem unless you’re a die - hard fan of Voldemort and you can’t accept Godzilla would monster him in a fight. But if you do insist on using social media then don’t be put off. There are plenty of positives. I made some good friends from messaging on Facebook first. What happens when you compare people to their Facebook posts? You’re not seeing the real person at all, only what they want you to. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go and tell Facebook how completely amazing my day has been … sat at home … talking to my cat.

Godzilla vs Voldemort - Who Would Win

Godzilla vs Voldemort - Who Would Win?

Yes I have mad Photo Shop skills!!!!!

Yes I really do answer an age old question today, one that has gripped the world for many years. Fans of both franchises will sit on the edge of their seats as I prove once and for all, who would win. 

 

I decided to take each combatant and take into account their strengths and weaknesses. There will also be no outside assistance for either Godzilla or Voldemort.

 So I said his name and I haven’t been killed. That’s a good start. Okay Voldemort’s most powerful weapon would naturally would be magic. Of all the any random spells Voldemort can cast his most notable one in a battle would be the killing curse. Yes instant death does appear to be a useful weapon in a one on one fight but this spell does get stopped by a mothers love so let’s keep looking through Voldemort’s arsenal. The Conjunctivitis Curse causes irritation to a targets eyes causing them to swell shut which you would expect to be a useful skill. There are many spells that can stun or cause some form of paralysis. Voldemort you would think could use these spells to his advantage, although his extreme arrogance could lead him to thinking he could simply over power Godzilla. There’s not much else to say about Voldemort, at the end of the day he’s a magical man with a stick.

 

Destroyah, the only Monster to beat Godzilla

We can look at the previous times Godzilla has actually died. Godzilla, despite appearing invincible has died twice. Once was in the original 1954 movie where he died of asphyxiation. The other time was when he fought a monster called Destroyah. Unfortunately for Mr. Voldemort neither of these are much use as the battle will not take place in a zero oxygen environment (and even if it did he would die too) and Voldemort’s way of fighting is slightly different from how Destroyah fights. Anyone who is thinking of the 1998 movie can go to the back of the class. The ‘Godzilla’ in that film was actually discredited by Japan and they named it Zilla since it was such a disgrace. There was a film in Japan called Godzilla Final Wars where Godzilla fought Zilla. Godzilla killed Zilla in less than a minute.

 

Let’s take a look Godzilla. It’s very easy to just say that Godzilla would just crush himself under his own weight. This is a ludicrous argument as we are looking at a World where Godzilla could theoretically exist. Saying Godzilla would just crush himself is like saying Voldemort would just be arrested because he’s waving around a stick saying how he’s going to murder everyone. Sorry people, magic doesn’t exist. This battle takes place in a world where both Godzilla and Voldemort can exist.

 

For Godzilla to exist he would have to have an extremely strong skeleton. He would also need either an immensely powerful heart or many smaller hearts to pump blood around his enormous body as well as incredibly strong arteries to withstand the huge amounts of pressure exhibited.

 

Try lying down for a few minutes and then jumping up quickly. You’ll feel a bit faint. This is because your heart can’t compensate for the brain suddenly being far above the level of your heart. Godzilla has extremely fast reflexes for an animal of such size and he can move surprisingly quickly. This would suggest he has multiple hearts. Some weird dinosaur he must’ve been. It’s impressive he doesn’t faint every time he lifts or turns his head, never mind getting knocked down and then getting back up. His arteries must be made of some incredibly resistant material.

 

In his battles over the years he gets knocked down many times but he always gets back up. We’ve already established that Godzilla has a skeleton strong enough but what about his internal organs. They would surely shatter if he fell. Apparently not. They are enforced by some amazingly strong organic material too.

 

Godzilla sounds more and more invincible with each point. I was actually worried that Voldemort would monster this but now all you Harry Potter fans may need to start worrying. Another issue Godzilla would have is strangely through overheating. He’s not going to do too well if he overheats before he can even get to Voldy. Godzilla has a tiny surface area to volume ratio and therefore he should in theory find it incredibly difficult to lose the heat produced by his organs and muscles. However I don’t remember the Godzilla film when he overheats. Therefore he must have some kind of internal mechanism to cool himself down.

 

The last thing worth mentioning is his skin. As we all know he can shrug off artillery fire as a minor annoyance. So his skin is incredibly tough. You’ expect large pieces to fall off as he walked if it is this tough. His skin must be some kind of thick organic Kevlar for Godzilla to not only move, but to survive the barrage of firepower that he faces in every one of his films. So Godzilla has an unnaturally strong Skeleton, internal organs, Skin/Hide, system of blood vessels and multiple hearts. I can’t imagine Voldemort can be fancying his chances at this point.

 

Godzilla Face palm after Voldemort waves his stick at him

Maybe the magical creatures from the Harry Potter world can help us. Dragons have similarities to Godzilla. Dragons have a magic resistance, as do giants. I found that in the Harry Potter world, large creatures resist magic. Godzilla is far bigger than anything I remember from Harry Potter. On top of this, I asked a friend, a big Harry Potter fan about Voldemort and Godzilla and he said that if Godzilla’s hide was as thick as a dragons then Voldemort’s curses would be ineffective and Godzilla’s only weak point would be his eyes. Godzilla would therefore have a huge advantage. I looked into this further and found out that the killing curse can be blocked by physical barriers, Godzilla’s hide for example. Things aren’t looking good for Voldemort as it appears his killing curse, his most powerful weapon would be ineffective.

 

One spell that does work on dragons is the Conjunctivitis Curse. Let’s imagine Godzilla’s magic resistance doesn’t resist this and Voldemort can somehow get a shot at his eyes. Godzilla is blinded temporarily … so what? What is Voldemort going to do now? Godzilla can easily survive falling as we already established with his tough skeleton and organs and Voldemort still can’t use the killing curse to any effect. So … what happens now? Godzilla gets over the curse and squashes Voldemort.

 

We’ve looked at Voldemort’s offensive options, let’s look at Godzilla’s. I found Godzilla to weigh around 60000 tonnes (With a conservative estimate). Stepping on Voldemort would surely kill him instantly. Okay maybe Voldemort will not go close enough to be stepped on. I’m pretty sure Godzilla’s atomic fire breath would kill Voldemort. I’m sure some of you will be screaming the word Horcrux but remember magical fiend fire can destroy a horcrux. It seems likely that atomic fire could do the same and even if it can’t, who’s going to resurrect Voldemort and risk the wrath of Godzilla.

 

Sorry Harry Potter fans but you’re dark lord is not winning this fight. The victor here is Godzilla. The Dark Lord is powerful but he was no match for the King of the Monsters! But is there any way you can feel disappointed. Who would you want to win? An evil man who wants you all dead you dirty muggles or a monster with little to no interest in humanity in most his appearances. Godzilla has even been known to help humanity. Even in his most recent appearance the world would be overrun with giant parasites without him. I’d quite happily support Godzilla in this. So in the words of Ken Watanabe: Let them fight.

The Great Pokémon War - All is Revealed

The Great Pokémon War - All is Revealed

The Pokémon series has spawned many fan theories over the years. From Cubone’s mother to the death of your rivals Raticate. However I always though the most interesting of these theories was the Great Pokémon War. Many of you may be thinking that this is an absurd possibility. Pokémon is a kids game, they won’t lace it’s backstory with war. Well random reader prepare to have your mind blown.

 

Yes it is possible that all this is just coincidence. Maybe all this can be disproved and maybe we will never know the true story behind the great Pokémon War. But a lot of what I found does seem to fall together quite neatly.

 

We start with Pokémon Red and Blue. As our protagonist Red journeys across the world of Kanto he reaches a place called Vermillion city. Eager to obtain his third gym badge Red enters the Vermillion city gym. After getting through the annoying puzzle with the bins and the double locked door you reach the Gym leader. His name is Lt. Surge. What’s most interesting is some of his dialogue. He says as follows:

“Hey kid what do you think you’re doing here? You won’t last long in combat! That’s for sure! I tell you what kid, electric Pokémon saved me during the war

 

The war. There instant proof! Okay this just seems like a random piece of dialogue with no real meaning like what seems to be all abundant in every Pokémon game. Pokémon aren’t well known for carefully chosen dialogue with great meaning and significance (Need I mention the shorts kid). This could easily be passed off as nothing until you really start to think about it.

 

Your character, Red, where is his Father. Your Mother never mentions him or even the remote possibility he exists. She accepts you as the man of the house, free to make your own decisions when you’re just a child. Red is only 11 years old when he heads out on his Pokémon journey. There’s more. Your rival, Blue, where are his parents. He lives with his older sister and other than her his known family is his grandfather Professor Oak. Coincidence? Is it still coincidence how many other children you encounter on your journey, children that out by themselves in a world inhabited by dangerous creatures?

 

Come to think of it, how many adult males are in the original Pokémon games? A suspiciously small number. In fact the only time you see a consistent number of Adult males is when you’re fighting Team Rocket. Outside of organised crime there are barley any adult males at all, instead all male characters are either children or elderly. You may not think this is definite proof but surely this should at least arouse suspicion. Why would a game avoid using male characters? Unless Game Freak and Nintendo were infiltrated by hard core feminists something seems off here.

 

Kanto is filled with specialized hospitals and gyms for training. But there aren’t any entertainment facilities, cinemas, skating rinks etc. This would make a lot of sense if there was a recent war, there would be far more pressing matters at hand than entertainment. In fact the only building I could find that had entertainment as their primary purpose was the Casino in Celadon City, a building being used as a cover for the operations of Team Rocket.

 

Let’s go back to professor Oak. Wasn’t he supposed to be a Pokémon trainer himself and then didn’t he dedicate a huge part of his life to Pokémon research? But all he has to show for it are three level 5 Pokémon and an empty Pokédex. What could have happened to all his research and findings? Where are his Pokémon? It makes you think doesn’t it? It also seems worth mentioning that Kanto, the region of the first generation of Pokémon games has the smallest number of different species found in the wild.

 

Okay so there may have been a Pokémon war involving the Kanto region of Pokémon which wiped out huge amounts of the population of people and Pokémon alike. So what you may be asking. While interesting there doesn’t seem to be much else to say. It’s not like we know why this war was fought or who with. There are so many unanswered questions. Or are there? I have a theory. A theory that takes us to Pokémon X and Y.

 

There is a war that takes place 3000 years before the events of Pokémon X and Y, the one that you learn about in the main plot of the game. This while interesting in its own right is completely unrelated to my theory. North of route 6 in Kalos in a huge palace called Parfum Palace. This palace was built after a war with neighbouring regions. How does this help us the war was 3000 years ago. Correction: there was a war 3000 years ago, however Parfum palace was built 300 years ago. There was a completely separate war 300 years ago. A war with neighbouring regions. Regions such as Kanto perhaps?

Parfum Palace

 

I admit that is a big jump to make so I have more. The biggest problem here is that the war takes place 300 years ago. If this is the same war that L.t Surge speaks of then he would have to be over 300 years old … If Pokémon Red and Blue take place at the same time as Pokémon X and Y. However there is nothing to say that they do. However is it possible that X and Y could possibly be 300 years into the future? It doesn’t seem advanced enough to be 300 years in the future at first glance. While this could appear to be a bit of a stretch there are some factors to consider.

 

Firstly is the population of both regions. Kanto has a population of 391 people.  To put this in perspective Lumiose city in Kalos has a population of 416 by itself. Overall Kalos’s population is 868, over twice that of Kanto. This is strange as Kanto is named after the Kanto region of Japan while Kalos is based off France. In the game Kalos and Kanto have a similar landmass and thus since Japan has a far greater population than France, Kanto should have the higher population. After a war however, as we discussed earlier the population of adult males would have been depleted. Population grows over time naturally too as birth rate exceeds death rate with people living longer.

 

How about the field of Sience. Kalos isn’t far enough advanced to be 300 years ahead. Or is it? In Red and Blue, 3 types of Pokémon haven’t been identified yet, steel, dark and fairy, despite that 2 of these types are in Kanto native Pokémon (Those being the steel types magnemite and magneton and the various fairy types). How about the fact that the Kanto Pokédex had 151 entry’s, the Kalos Dex has 718 Pokémon in X and Y. How about the evolutions of kanto native pokemon such as Magmar and Scyther that haven’t been discovered in Kanto as well as baby versions of Kanto Pokémon such as Mime Jr and Smoochum. There are many moves that Kanto trainers do not know exist that are known in X and Y.

 

Lumiose City

There’s more. I mentioned earlier Kanto has no entertainment designated buildings. Kalos has cafés, clothes shops, expensive restaurants, a museum, hotels the list goes on. There are many more TM’s now, more types of Pokéballs, far more items to use in battle. Even something as simple as the number of cars and taxis in Kalos compared to the small number of vehicles in Kanto. Even saying something as simple as there are more buildings in X and Y than in Red and Blue suggests that X and Y take place long after the events of Red and Blue. X and Y also has the the largest city revealed so far in the Pokémon world, Lumiose City.

 

While it is all well and good highlighting the possible time difference between the two games there’s one question about the Great Pokémon War that has always been a mystery. Why was there a war in the first place, what is being fought for? I think I may have an answer to this question too.

 

We go back to Parfum Palace. It is a grand place, far more extravagant than most places in your typical Pokémon games. It has statues of Pokémon and knights made of gold, it is full of what I’m sure are very expensive paintings. The gates are finely crafted and also gold, the building itself is gigantic, the Garden is bigger than an average town, even the walls are laced with gold. Remember this place was built just after a war by the king of Kalos. Can you imagine the time and money it would take to build such a place? Can you also imagine the resources it would take to win a war against another Pokémon region? Families would have been torn apart, many would have died and the king of Kalos at the time decided to build himself a luxurious palace. Some noble and selfless leader we have here. But think about it, is it really that unlikely a man like this, clearly very interested in showing off his power and wealth would wage war, risking thousands of lives for more power?

 

But what could Kanto possibly have that could interest a power hungry tyrant. What is one of the main themes in Pokémon X and Y. Mega evolution. The people in Kanto are unaware that mega evolution even exists at all but in Kalos they are very aware. Was the King of Kalos aware of or even capable of harnessing the power of mega evolution 300 years ago? It’s certainly possible. In X and Y guess which region has the most Pokémon capable of mega evolution. The Kanto region, the one you play in during Red and Blue. Just a coincidence? I’ll let you make up your own mind.

 

Parfum Palace's Golden statues

Some of you will be thinking about Omega Ruby and Alpha Saphire and how in those games there are far more mega evolutions. Yes it’s true, in the newest pokemon games there are in total 20 Hoenn Pokémon capable of mega evolution (Not even including Groudon and Kyorgre) while there are only 13 from Kanto. So where does Hoenn fit in here. Why wouldn’t the king of Kalos wage war with Hoenn not Kanto? Mauville City had changed a lot from the original Ruby and Sapphire. Its gym leader, Watson remodelled the city after another city. Lumiose from the Kalos region. Interesting. In the central plaza of Mauville there is a monument called the Square Tower. Obviously based off Lumiose City’s Prism Tower, the sign accompanying it decribes it as a celebration of the friendship between Mauville City and Lumiose City, the two biggest and most influential citys in Hoenn and Kalos respectively. The King of Kalos does not sound like the type to build friendships. I think back to the old phrase, if you can’t beat them, join them. Would you attack Hoenn, knowing at any moment one of Groudon or Kyogre could either flood or completely level your entire region? I certainly wouldn’t. Is it possible the King of Kalos created an alliance with the powerful Hoenn region? Interestingly as you enter Parfum Palace a large gold statue lies in front of you. It is a Miolotic, the world’s most beautiful Pokémon, a Pokémon that originates from the Hoenn region. Did anyone else ever woner why Ruby and Sapphire actively distanced themselves from any previous Pokémon games?

Square Tower in Mauville City

 

There is one more piece of evidence. How would a war be fought in the Pokémon world? With Pokémon, obviously. There is a large number of Kanto Pokémon in the Kalos region including the 3 legendary bird Pokémon. How did they get there? Through the war? What would Kanto’s best weapon in a war be? Mewtwo. Where is Mewtwo? In a cave in the difficult to find Pokémon village in the Kalos region. Come to think of it, could Mewtwo have been the mega evolving Pokémon the King of Kalos really wanted. Mewtwo is certainly difficult to get to in X and Y and his mega evolutions are two of the most powerful Pokémon in existence, in fact only one other pokemon reaches the same base stat level as the two mega versions of Mewtwo, Mega Rayquaza of the Hoenn region. What an odd coincidence.

 

It seems appropriate to finish this theory with where it began, L.t Surge. If he fought in this war, the one 300 years before the events of X and Y, the one we saw the aftermath of all those years ago in Red and Blue, then where is their proof of Surge ever being in Kalos. In Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver you can find him at the powerplant. If you have a Pikachu following you and if you then defeat him in the fighting dojo you can meet him at the magnet train station. You can trade him a Pikachu. In return you receive a French Pikachu called Volty. A French Pikachu. Does something sound familiar? It should as need I remind you what Kalos, the region I’m proposing was at war with Kanto in the Great Pokémon War was based off.