Teletubby Battle Royale - Who Would Win

Teletubby Battle Royale - Who Would Win

They don’t make children’s television like they used to. Teletubbies was a surreal experience full of strange noise and bright colours. It won a Bafta in 1998 and in total 365 episodes were made, coincidently one for each day of the year. Despite finishing over 10 years ago it still has a cult following to this day, probably due to its seemingly psychedelic quality. It was very successful and something someone around my age will surely remember.

 

 On the outside these strange walking television thing seem playful and innocent. They make strange noises and fall over a lot. Eve noticed how little life there is in Teletubby land. The Teletubbies killed everything. What else could it be? All these years the truth about their bloodlust had been hidden away. Until today. Today the residents of Teletubby land let out their violent nature to see who is the deadliest of them all. Today the teletubbes fight to see who would win a Teletubby battle royale.

 

This battle will take place in the far away hills, Teletubby land. There will be no outside assistance and there will be no temporary alliances. Each Teletubby will be allowed to use their signature item however. I’ll start by analysing each Teletubby individually so let’s start with Tinky Winky.

 

Tinky Winky is the largest and oldest Teletubby. He is purple and has a triangular antenna. Of all the Teletubbies Tinky Winky has had the most controversy as people have speculated for years about his sexuality. He was a male Teletubby but he has a fabulous red handbag and was coloured purple. He also has a triangular antenna similar to the gay pride symbol.

 

Before carrying on about his violent tendencies I’d like to point out how ridiculous this all is. One of the distributor of the show responded to all this by saying and I quote He’s not Gay, he’s not straight he’s just a character in a children’s series. Talk about looking into fictional characters too much. Now onto his murder methods.

 

Tinky Winky’s size could be a huge factor. Being the largest you would expect him to be the most physically powerful and in a one on one scrap he should be able to take out the other Teletubbies in a battle of strength. However in a four way battle this is an unlikely situation so while his strength would help, it wouldn’t be a deciding factor. It could be if he was one of the last 2 left though. However there is a catch. Being the largest will probably make Tinky Winky the least agile of the bunch and this could be a weakness to exploit.

 

Tink Winky’s triangular antenna would not give him any advantage in a battle situation. However his handbag seems like a very capable weapon. However not only is it powerful, it’s also unpredictable and adaptable to different situations.

 

In a situation with all the Teletubbies it could be used as a swinging weapon. Tinnky Winky could hold the bag by the strap and try to hit the others with it. Remember this strength would aid this attack. It could also be an extremely dangerous one on one weapon, used to strangle the other Teletubbies with its strap. Tinky Winky has the strength to pull this off.

 

There’s more though. Tinky Winky could also store weapons in the bag. He could easily fit some pepper spray for stunning his opponents or a knife to shank the other Teletubbies. There is however no proof of him being in possession of such weapons. What he could have however is a gun.

There was a reported incident of a Tinky Winky toy that reportedly said I got a Gun! Whether this is true or not will probably remain a mystery but it is possible for him to carry a small handgun in that bag. Such a weapon could be deadly, however it seems unlikely Tinky Winky would have a good aim considering how clumsy all the Teletubbies are in the show. However it certainly is a huge advantage for Tinky Winky and he is a force to be reckoned with.

 

Dipsy is the second largest TellyTubby. He is green, has a noticeably darker complexion and has a long straight antenna. Dipsy is more stubborn than the other Teletubbies and had been known to go against the group decision. I once saw him described on a poster as the cool Teletubby. This impies he would be most confident. His signature item is a hat.

 

Being second largest, Dipsy would likely be the second strongest. He would also be more agile than Tinky Winky he is more of an all-rounder. However he would still be able to hold his own in a battle of strength, certainly against Laa-Laa and Po. His extra agility could give him the edge against Tinky Winky too although a battle would be unlikely to play out where Dipsy could battle each opponent one on one.

 

Dipsy probably has the most useful Antenna. It is long and could probably be sharpened into a stabbing weapon. While a desperate attack Dipsy could have a powerful, all be it risky head-butting attack. His Antenna could also be used to swipe Tinky Winky’s handbag. He could possibly hook the strap and with this extra weaponry, he would be a true powerhouse.

 

Dipsy’s hat may seem useless at first but when you look more closely you see there is a very useful application. Dipsy could smother an opponent to death with his hat. If left one on one or in a vulnerable position Dipsy could capitalise and strike. However this would be a lengthy kill so Dipsy would have to be smart.

Dipsy Scouts the Competition

 

Dipsy however is stubborn and cool. While the confidence could be good, more likely it would be his downfall. He may try to take on all the other Teletubbies at once, making him an easy kill. There’smore. Being stubborn he would be unlikely to retreat even if it would benefit him in the battle.

 

Dipsy is a powerful man but his stubborn nature and self-confidence could lead to his downfall. However if he can keep his personality traits in check he could be a favourite to win here.

 

Laa-Laa is the thid largest TellyTubby. She is yellow and has a curly antenna. Laa-Laa is apparently the nicest and kindest TeleTubby, a trait that is not of benefit at all. Her signature item is a ball.

 

Laa-Laa is not as strong as Dipsy but she is more Agile. She is also and all-rounder meaning she has the traits to take on each TellyTubby individually.

 

Laa-Laa seems like a weak link here. Her antenna is useless and she is unlikely to be as ruthless as the other Teletubies due to having a kinder nature. Her ball could make a good defensive item. It is big enough to cover her whole body. However it wouldn’t cause any damage in an attack. Having less strength she seems weaker in hand to hand combat too. Sorry Laa-Laa you haven’t got much of a chance here.

 

Finally we have Po. Po is the youngest and smallest Teletubby. She has a circular antenna on a small stick, similar to a buble wand. She is Cantonese and according to the show’s creators bilingual and her signature item is a scooter.

Being the smallest Po would be the weakest physically but also most agile. She has the speed to not only fight but also retreat where appropriate and she would likely be the stealthiest Teletubby. She seems the best suited to taking advantage of the hills of Teletubby land. It may be difficult for the larger Teletubbies to land a single blow on her.

 

However being the youngest she would likely scare easier. A gun pointed at her face may scare her and hinder her fighting ability. Also being small and young she would be easier to kill. It would be far easier to strangle or smother her to death meaning if she failed to dodge it would likely be game over.

 

Po’s antenna is also useless but her scooter is a highly useful item. Not only could she travel at great speeds, far greater than her opponents but she could use it as a striking weapon before running over their necks as they lay on the floor unconscious. This could be the most gruesome attack possible and Po could pull it off relatively easily. Po while young could be a strong contender here.

 

So who would win here? Honestly it doesn’t matter. Anyone who has seen Teletubbies will know that none of them will survive. At the end of episodes sometimes there would be a ‘magical event’ to entertain the Teletubbies. One of them was so controversial it is banned from being shown on both television and VHS/DVD today. It involved a lion and more crucially a bear.

 

This sketch was extremely scary for a small child. Even watching it now it is slightly creepy. The bear’s eyes were uncanny, the arms appeared to move by themselves. The lion wasn’t a problem but the chase scenes where the lion chases the bear would horrify young children. The bear would be hiding in the background, only visible to the audience. It would poke out from behind a tree, its tongue would swirl and it would make a strange noise. Even the music and voices themselves were scary, like any good horror the music added to the atmosphere. The dialogue was ridiculous for a child, including I’m the Bear and I’m coming.

 

In this battle royale no Teletubby would survive. The bear as we’ve seen is fast enough to easily escape the lion. It is far faster than any Tellytubby. That’s if the Teletibbies even spot the Bear. It is only seen in the show when it’s taunting the lion. It is a master of stealth and deceit. The Bear could easily hide with the Teletubbies only seeing it when it’s too late. The Bear would grab them one by one, pulling them behind a tree and killing them in an unthinkably horrible way. Imagine being the last Teletubby alive. You’d be paralysed with fear, knowing there is no escape.

 

So a Teletubby battle royale would be pointless. The Teletubbies shouldn’t be fighting, they should be working together to try to escape. Bu they never will. The bear is coming and he will get them. He uses fear tactics along with stealth and blistering speed. Be very afraid. The winner is the Bear.